


Regret

by amdnj



Category: Kamen Rider Ghost
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-27
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-18 05:12:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8150243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amdnj/pseuds/amdnj
Summary: Regret - Noun - A feeling of sadness or repentance over something that has been doneGuilt - Noun - A feeling of having done wrong or failed an obligation; a feeling of painful regret.Sometimes when someone experience too much at once, it takes them longer to process feelings of their actions properly.Post - Canon





	

**Author's Note:**

> It says post canon so it should be obvious there are spoilers for the entire show. But heres my warning in case.

The sun hits his face to alert him of a new day. And while it seems unsettling because he had just shut his eyes to go to sleep...perhaps nights just feel shorter...perhaps since he cannot remember a dream...it went by that shorter? 

Everything is strange after all that has gone down. To not have to worry about Makoto's safety or Takeru's clock ticking down...or the impending demise of the world broguht upon by his brother. To have the ganma world alive and awake....and real...scrambling for attention and direction...a role he gave to his sister. SOmething he abandoned because he does not know himself. Does not know feelings....And it was not like he was really told anything about the Ganma world for him to feel capable of even having a hand in guiding them.

He lets his thoughts drown him as he scuttles past the doorway into the main room to see everyone huddled together talking. Their voices are low hushed, and the room's atmosphere feels suddenly strangely alien. Almost knowing....almost stagnating as it suffocates him. As he hears his name passed a few times and he can't help but feel like something is off. Everything feels very slgihtly off.

"Oh! Alan!" Takeru's voice seems the wrong tone. His facial expression isn't quite readable. He finds himself clutching the door away as he nods hello. "We were just talking about you."

Something is wrong. He steps forward, nodding quietly as if to tell Takeru to continue.

"Yep. Talking about how we love you even though you've done so many bad things. It's really hard you know?" Takeru's voice is distorted and he notices now that the room is gone. Everyone is closer to him. The temperature increases dramatically and he can no longer distinguish voices as everyone suddenly speaks. Alan falls to his knees, hand over his ears, crying, begging. But there are no words from his mouth as everyone comes closer. As he can feel their breath full of his mistakes permeate his skin.

And when he tries finally to run away, to open his eyes and run as far as he can. He finds silence.

_"Now we are truly friends, Spectre"_

And the room melts to the underpass with Necrom Spectre. To the bridge with necrom spectre. To his hand sprawled over the helmet. To his self doubt and his self hatred and his controlling desires painted all over Makoto's body after he left him.

"You hurt Makoto. Did you think they would forgive you so easily? Did you think that Makoto can forgive you" It's his voice. His face. In the Ganma uniform. But a horrifying smile...maybe that was his smile too. Approching him. Necrom Spectre follows suit.

"....Makoto said he's forgiven me. I didn't...I didn't understand."

Necrom Spectre tilts his head back and plays Makoto's scream over and over and over and it's all he can hear as he covers his ears and tries to breath past the tears choking his throat.

"You still did it. Part of you knew. Part of you knew this was wrong. But you wanted Makoto. You were selfish. You took what you wanted. No matter what they say they won't forgive you."

All Alan can do is mumble and scream no over and over. To beg and cry as Makoto's scream plays on stereo with Makoto joining in with his own voice to tell him over and over again that what he had done was wrong. Was bad. That he was awful. That he was a monster. Never to be forgiven. That all his feelings that he bottled up because there was too much happening. Too much to feel. All his feelings painted the sky the color red of his pain. His misery. The color of wrongs.  
  
And as he tried to run again...Kanon's voice broke it.

"Don't worry, Alan-sama...."

And he looked up to see the scene change.....

"Makoto would hate you more for what you did to me...."

Every time he'd kidnapped Kanon both in human form and in eyecon form to get what he wanted to get his point accross. And Alan fell over to his side because he knew she was right. Makoto would hate him more for this than Necrom Spectre anyday. Because he'd said the other was fine but not this. He'd never said he'd forgiven him for this. And he's shaking. He can't breathe and he's shaking. He looks up and tries to say something. Anything....because...because

"Makoto....Takeru....Kanon....everyone said they love me.....I.....surely I must...."

_...love you even though you've done so many bad things_

And he screams and scrambles to his feet trying to run. Run from his feelings. Run from his mind. Run from the words and the echoes. The what ifs and the possibilities. That everything....that everything was a fragilely built collection of pity on top of the monster he used to be.

Only to run straight into Takeru.

"It's okay, Alan." Takeru's hand on his shoulder is usually comforting. HIs presence usually fills him in with warmth like the sunrise and the sunset. Like the dawn of a new day and possibility...but instead it fills him with dread and pain and anguish and a sense of wanting to rip his heart from his chest and offer it as an apology.

  
"O-oh...?" Alan starts uncertain. He tries to breath. Tries to hope maybe it's over...because he's never....

"I'm the one you tried to kill a few times after all. I'm the one who should hate you the most." Takeru's voice is both cheerful and terrifying and wrong.

And its true. It's true. He never tried to hurt Makoto. Never tried to truly hurt Kanon. Takeru is the one he tried to destroy. To remove. Takeru is the one he has wronged the most....No one here had any right to love him. To like him. To care for him after everything he'd done. He should've gone back to the ganma where he belonged...because he....he...

Alan wakes up half off his cot, blankets tangled around his sweaty shaking form. He grabs and twists the fabric around his heart, trying to stop it from beating so fast that he thinks he'll explode...trying to rip out the feeling of unease and discomfort...the heavy, awful feeling.

But all he finds is his person drenched in guilt in the middle of his room...in the middle of the night.


End file.
